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A First Date in Quarantine

Thinking I am a disney princess in lockdown

Once upon a time, the whole world was ordered to go into lockdown as a deadly spell swept across the land. What would this mean for all the princesses and princes on their romantic quest?

Okay, this isn’t a fairy tale but certainly worth a part in the lockdown chapter of my story.

It was a Sunday and I was feeling full of energy and uncharacteristically confident while dancing around the flat to Glee. I had been extremely unwell and in bed for 13 days (with a trip to hospital in the middle of it) so I was feeling great, like I was back from the dead. A phoenix from the ashes maybe? The pubs and restaurants had been closed over the weekend due to the virus and it was likely we were going to go into lockdown any day now. On this fresh Sunday, there was a trend on Instagram stories where you would ask your followers to respond with a selected emoji and you would share your favourite post of theirs on your stories with a little about how you know them, what you like about them. I chose the daisy emoji from respondents.

Most of my closest friends of course responded and I gushed over them. A few other connections that I hadn’t seen in years but we often liked each other’s post responded and we laughed as we reminisced. Then I got a request from Jay*.

It was going to be hard to pick just one favourite from his Instagram grid that is full of intriguing selfies in various cities across the world, scenic landscapes with bright skies and golden sunsets, worthy architecture and of course a good selection of him in a suit. I chose one of Jay on a roof top terrace in Edinburgh wearing a simple stylish jacket and a tartan scarf. I wrote:

“Babe. Matched on POF 7/8 years ago. Asked me to a party but I couldn’t go. Never dated. Prob male version of me so would never work. Takes braw pics.”

That is the full history of knowing Jay. We matched on a dating website years ago. He asked me to a party that I couldn’t make as it was my birthday and then we never scheduled anything. Soon after I started seeing someone but Jay and I had each other on Facebook and Instagram all this time. Often liking each other’s selfies and neither of us having any posts about being in any sort of serious relationships over the years.

Jay’s response to my post was the 100% emoji and I responded with a video to him directly (see, uncharacteristically confident) saying I still think we really should have had that date. Jay responded, “Thanks for that! I agree, shame we never got that date!” so again, uncharacteristically confident I suggested if we do go into lockdown then we should have a skype date with a wine. He agreed!

The next day, the Prime Minister announced lockdown. As we approached the first weekend in lockdown I couldn’t stop wondering if either of us were being serious. Not feeling as confident but with curiosity, I messaged Jay and asked if he was up for it and we agreed 8pm on Saturday.

Rather than the usual first date conversation of where to meet and which bar, we were deciding what platform to use. Jay expressed his awkward decision to tidy up the beard and I swithered if I there was any point in eye shadow. But I missed eyeshadow and I told Jay I wanted full effort as we agreed on skype.

Quick Selfie to the girls as my laptop loads.

Saturday evening arrived. I went to the shop and took that my favourite red wine was on offer as a good sign. As I would for a date, I got ready. Bouncy blow dry, off the shoulder top with my skinny jeans, heels and spritzed my favourite perfume. My skin had a great glow after being unwell so I didn’t wear as much make up as I usually would and decided I think I prefer this. I was nervous. I’m never nervous for a date. Not sure if it was because I had  been waiting years for a date with him or because it was a “new type” of date. The date started just after 8pm and we connected on skype but for some reason my camera wasn’t working. So the first 20 minutes or so were just voices. In hindsight, that probably relaxed us both and allowed us to joke about technical issues being a new thing for a date while sipping our first glass of wine until we switched to another platform were my camera was working and I could see Jay.

His beard was trimmed, rugged yet smart. He wore a dark shirt, his blue eye sparkled and we cheered our large red wine glasses towards the screens and smirked. Behind me, Jay could see my floral curtains closed over and a glimpse of shelves with plants, photos and books. Behind Jay I could see a large window and an impeccably tidy bedroom.

As I expected (hoped) he was charming and conversation flowed. We spoke about the usual topics on a first date; family relationships, our jobs, travel, living alone and inconspicuous neighbours. The wine flowed and it never felt awkward. One thing that stands out about Jay for me is that he also had a dating blog (see, male version of me)! I remember reading his stories and thought they were hilarious and relatable. I don’t meet many guys that write creatively-especially straight, single, handsome ones so I think this has been what has kept me most intrigued over the years. It was really special for me to talk about my love of writing with someone who understood. The last time I told a handsome man on a date that I wanted to write a book he responded with “I have never read a book.” Jay and I could also share how difficult it is to put ourselves out there and the negative comments we can receive. Not comments on our writing or even the subjects but attacking us personally. He scoffed at me being told I was “too independent and guys don’t like that” and I was sorry to hear he had been called a See U Next Tuesday. I never got that impression and I pride myself on spotting that type. Someone understanding that your favourite hobby, despite all the praise you can get, can be buried away due to one strangers sentence created a connection I have never felt on a date. Despite the screen between us.

This type of date felt intimate for sure. Not in the usual way a date can be intimate but without the hustle and bustle around you or having to get up to go to the bar for your next drink, we were zoned in only listening to each other, hearing perfectly, no interruptions and in the comfort of our own home.  Surprisingly, as we had each finished a bottle of red, there was certainly chemistry and flirting as the date ended. He joked that our first date was in his bedroom as he commented on how well my room lighting bounced off my shoulders. “Are you flirting with me?” I laughed and sort of rolled my eyes. I do think if it had been a standard in person date, we would have been sitting close, perhaps a hand on the thigh while laughing at each other’s joke and likely a kiss at the end. Well, I know I would have wanted a kiss.

Suddenly we noticed the time and we had been on our virtual first date for nearly 5 hours. Both a little tipsy we said goodnight. As I shut down my laptop on a red wine/first date buzz, I messaged Jay on Whatsapp as he had given me his number in case of technical issues. He said the date was fun and we both wished it had been in person.

After the virtual first date

For the next week after our date we spoke very briefly. I wanted to talk to him more but I was hesitant and my mind was in over drive. He was isolating with a busy household and working from home and I was furloughed in my own space with just my cat for company. The first time we weren’t the same. We had both admitted to having days which we had struggled that week but suggested another chat over the weekend. I let him know I couldn’t do Saturday but was free Friday. He never responded.

Ghosted in a time when you literally have to stay home and do nothing. And in ours 30s. Not cool.

However, I am usually the no excuses type but we are in a pandemic.

Before the date, I had said to others that dating virtually during this pandemic is a great way of keeping yourself busy. If you date often then it is keeping a sense of normality. Dating during this time gives a sense of moving forward.  Dating virtually can be great for both the extrovert and the introvert. The problem with dating these days is the “hook up and move on” culture so this is allowing genuine conversations and leaving the date at that. There is absolutely pros to virtual dating.

Although, I had stressed to others before my date with Jay, that you cannot really expect anything right now. We don’t know how long this will last for and people won’t be themselves right now. Everyone is trying to keep themselves motivated and fill their schedules with virtual Pub quizzes, work meetings are via Zoom and there are plenty of articles on why they are draining. Alcohol and sugar will be in high consumption. Everyone is browsing the internet for new garden furniture or that extra special gift for a loved ones birthday in lockdown. Checking the news as we move phases and trying to get our head around what is and isn’t allowed now. Go to work but don’t go to work. It’s a draining time. It has taken me 11 weeks to edit and post this blog!

I would recommend a virtual first date but my tips are to agree a cut off time and if the wine bottle beside you becomes empty, don’t excuse yourself to pour yourself a home measure gin once it is done.

Since my date with Jay, I have also been on an online speed dating night and recently, a socially distance first date so I will post about them soon.

Update

I knew yesterday that I would be posting about the date with Jay today. He didn’t know this but last night responded to my Instagram story about the Thor movies. It was very amicable. No hard feelings. I finally got a date with him. It makes me smile when I think about it. It has given me a Blog Post and I got to speak about dating during lockdown on a podcast. It might even inspire Jay to write his side of the story (if he reads this)

*Name changed to protect identity

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Welcome to Jaded Dating

Welcome to my blog. Your first question is probably “Why is it called Jaded?” Well, apart from being a clever play on words as my name is Jade, this is a relationship blog and jaded is pretty much how us twenty-something girls (and guys too maybe) feel about the romantic quest. I found this definition of the word:

Jaded: The end result of having a steady flow of negative experiences, disappointment, and unfulfillment fed into a person where they get to the point where their anger circuits just sort of burn out and they accept disillusionment.”

This blog is the stories and thoughts of an optimistic bitch (Babe In Total Control of Herself) in a jaded dating world.

I know what you’re thinking: Not another dating blog by a single lady in her early thirties who thinks she’s Carrie Bradshaw. A clueless girl on endless bad dates and constantly making bad decisions, along with her single friends: the optimist, the cynical one and the sexually voracious one, all on the same journey…sharing dating stories that everyone wants to read about that right?

Well, yes okay Carrie Bradshaw is an icon. I have been told I am the Scottish Carrie Bradshaw; wears heels most days, blonde curls and always has a good story about dating. But along with my own whimsical stories of dating dreams and disasters, I want to take this opportunity to look at the over analysing every little detail in dating and where our concept of “Mr Right” comes from.

I’ve always been interested in the quest for Mr Right, from the story of Cinderella at the age of 5, to being obsessed with the ‘will they won’t they?’ story of Ross and Rachel at the age of 13, discovering Sex and the City at 16, round about the same time I started reading Jane Austen. Aaah Mr Darcy. Then from Higher English to a degree in Drama I discover the beauty of Shakespeare and learned that “All is fair in Love and War.” I continued to lose myself in the love stories from books and TV. I then wrote my undergraduate dissertation based on this obsession: Does 21st century television portray women’s search for Mr Right any differently to 19th century literature?

I wrote this dissertation before I became the sassy serial dater that I (like to think I am) today. And despite the endless books and articles on feminism, fairy tales, literature, gender and even the somewhat corrupt tales by Angela Carter, I have no idea if life can be a fairytale and where our Mr Darcy is. Seriously, where is he? Is he going to be the guy in the suit at the bar on a Friday at 6pm? The book worm guy that gets on my bus at 8:30am Monday-Friday? That athletic guy on the treadmill at the gym at 5:30pm? My workplace is huge… maybe he is sitting in an office a floor or two above? Is he really going to be on the notorious Tinder’? Or what about that random bearded man with the tattoos that liked my selfie on Instagram? As I sit on my tablet responding to “I know the best spot in town for…”on Hinge and ‘Hot or Not’ on Tinder, I begin to realize that we have so many different ways to meet men, wither it be socially , randomly or on one of the many social media platforms. Although this can be exhausting and frustrating, this is  pretty damn exciting. Times have changed, online dating isn’t for the desperate, socially awkward anymore. It’s full of fun, attractive, successful singletons. And a date with the 6ft guy, average body type, Aries, guitar playing accountant from the dating site brings us one step closer to finding him than sitting in watching The Notebook with a bottle of wine while imagining Ryan Gosling proposing to you.
As I said before, this blog is not just my own dating life, I will share the books that all women should read from ’Pride and Prejudice to ’He’s just not that into you’. I will give my opinions on all the dating shows we have on TV such as First Dates and Love Island. I host singles events and Speed Dating nights too so I will give some insight there.

Don’t hesitate to leave your thoughts and ideas. I am happy to answer any questions you may have and start discussion boards too. Please note that I can only offer opinion as I am no expert and I sway between being an optimist and pessimist…

Am I still me?

On Monday 9th March, I woke up feeling horrific. It had just passed my birthday weekend but there hadn’t been a heavy drinking sesh so it wasn’t a prolonged hangover. Over the weekend I hadn’t felt quite right but I put it down to being tired and a little overwhelmed with setting up my business.

When I called into work, we joked that I wasn’t calling in because of Corona. Although 7 days later, I was still in bed, sleeping for around 18 hours a day, coughing painfully, my whole body hurt and standing up caused dizziness. I had no voice and every day I called into my work to confirm I was still unwell and it hurt so much to talk. I knew my colleagues were genuinely concerned and things were changing in the workplace… and the world which I had little concept of as I was sleeping and not watching the news or on social media.

 I was admitted to hospital and told by the staff in full PPE it was a virus I had, possibly Corona and just to go home and isolate. They couldn’t prescribe me anything.

I then spent a further 6 days in bed and in the same condition. I live alone. I woke up one evening with my mother banging on my bedroom window (I live in a ground floor flat) as it was 7pm and I hadn’t checked my phone since the night before. I had just slept right through but you can only imagine the worry and worst case scenario in a mothers mind.

By day 14, I felt better, not 100% but well enough. I was advised to work from home which I attempted and struggled with in terms of adapting to a new way of working, still not feeling well and what was actually going on in the outside world. By the end of that week I was furloughed.

I am now on day 50 something in insolation and my birthday weekend feels like a life time ago and at the same time I can’t believe tomorrow is May. I can’t quite explain how I feel… perhaps because I never feel one way for long enough before I feel a different way. Constantly caught in thoughts of what I could do and what I should do. Getting annoyed at myself for still being in my pjs at 1pm while I play Scrabble Go… but justify it as keeping the brain active. Or laughing at how sad I am for cleaning my upcycled furniture with a toothbrush.

I have always thought of myself as someone who is very in tune with my own emotions and recognises what my body needs but after being so unwell I feel thrown. I think that because I don’t know if I had Coronavirus or not is making me feel uncomfortable. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that probably did. Everyone close to me is certain I did and their main concern is that I allow myself to fully recover.

I lost a lot of weight after being so unwell. That was quickly returned plus some due to lack of walks, gym, no more dancing at my friends flat and added trips to the fridge. More cheese? Why not? I maybe survived COVID so I deserve it.

Okay, now I am beginning to ramble. I miss structure more than I thought I would.

I feel different now. Will I feel the way I did before the 9th March again? Will I be a “better” person? Will I be fatter and lazier? I miss my work place, but what if I have forgotten how to do my job or lose the love? And then there is my side hustle and new business venture. What can I do? How will this go for me? And then I realise how often I have thought about myself during this. Perhaps life will never be the same again. I am so impressed with the creative ways friends and family are keeping in touch and spending time together and the ways organisations have kept going. Organisations have had to change how they work, what they offer and have been using their resources to make hand sanitizers and PPE products, provide for those less fortunate, counsel individuals, create activities for entertainment, free networking opportunities to meet others, free courses to develop your current skills or learn a new one.

Everyone and everything is changing.

Here are a few things I have done over the past few weeks to remind me of me:

·        Hosted several pub quizzes for Friends and Family

·        Listened to albums from the past 20 years that I have loved

·        Scrolled through old photos

·        Re-read some of my favourite fairytales

·        Watched the entire Sex and the City series from start to finish

·        Made and ate loads of pasta dishes

·        Published the Jaded Dating blog again (more on that later)

Things I have done that I probably wouldn’t have done or ever got round to:

·        I have now done 2 webinars on Speaking to Camera

·        A first date via Skype

·        Ordered a fancy shoe rack that needs to be built {still to do}

·        Started Yoga again

·        Donated to a local charity weekly

·        Daily Ted Talks Podcast

·        Shopped local

·        Signed up do a Maths Course at The Open University

… Math? That doesn’t sound like me.

I don’t think anyone should be ashamed to admit they are losing themselves or feeling overwhelmed during this time.

What are you doing to stay you and/or improve you? 

An Open Letter to say Thank you

From my previous posts, I have come across very cynical. Yes, I am completely jaded. Yes, I have dated a lot. Yes, I have been disappointed and even heartbroken in the past. Yes, I am enjoying my dating hiatus and focusing on ME but that does not for one moment mean I am ready to accept spinster hood, join the nuns or give being gay a shot. Somewhere, behind the wall of roses and thorns there is still a classical, romantic in me. I know what I want and will continue to keep my standards high.

Dating throughout my twenties and turning 30 has made me realise what I do want and despite the disappointment, there has been exquisite traits in boyfriends past that have been life changing and these little things must be what keeps me going in the search for my forever person.

So here it is, my softer side. This is my Open Letter of Thankyou’s to those romantic connections past:

Thank you to N who would drop everything at a risk to spend 10 minutes alone with me.

Thank you to M who proved a guys ability in planning perfect romantic dates to take my breath away.

Thank you to J who has taught me that intelligent conversations, heated debates, ping pong banter and constant flirting is the key to burning passion and a lasting connection.


Thank you to R who loved me even more when I had no make up on and taught me that the ‘me’ I don’t show the world is ok to be.

Thank you to C who put me in my place when I was crossing boundaries and pushing the big red button. And also, for always have macaroons for me.

Thank you to D for proving opposites do attract and to never judge based on where someone is from.

Thank you to RC who has confirmed I should always trust my gut feeling about someone. The story of catching you will be used again and again for a lesson and a laugh.

Thank you to S for the strong connection within such a short time, for proving that I can open up and for all those times you looked at me like I was magic. Meeting you changed me more than you probably know.

These guys have been particularly noteworthy and I don’t regret a single moment spent with them or hold any resentment for any tears I may have shed.

While I am on a roll with being nice, I would also like to thank the guys that I have crossed paths with that deserve a thank you:

Thank you to the guy who chased me up the street to tell me I was beautiful on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Thank you to the guy asked to take me out for dinner at least 7 times-in a different way each time. Thank you to the guy who paid my bus fayre while I scrambled in my bag for my bus pass. Thank you to the bartender who created a cocktail just for me at my regular watering hole. Each of these little things have absolutely made an impact in my single life.

…This article has now got me thinking about the guys in my life who aren’t romantic connections and perhaps I have not truly thanked them for the part they have played or are playing in my journey.
Thank you to my guy mates for their honesty, genuine care and telling me how it is. Sometimes I do need a bit of telling off. Thank you to the gay men in my life who inspire me to be true to myself, not care what anyone thinks, always be fabulous and for always providing wine. Thank you to my best friend’s boyfriends, fiancés and husbands- knowing you guys are genuine and how happy you make my best friends makes you an inspiration. And finally, thank you to every guy that has fucked me over and made me who I am today – and also, the reason I have something to write about!

Yours Sincerely,

JSB

This may be the nicest and most positive I have ever been without wine…

NB: This was written in 2017 before Ariana Grande released “Thank you Next”

An unintentional hiatus and deleting dating apps

What the heck is a dating hiatus? Should I be on one? Am I on one? How long should it last? Is it a cult? Why does it sound like a Tinder flu?

Urban Dictionary defines Hiatus as: A gap or interruption in time, or continuity; a break.

A dating hiatus therefore means no online dating, no physical dating, no booty calls, no getting together with, calls/texts/snapchats/Facebook likes/ego boosts with exes.

Sounds like a healthy and empowering break rather than a punishment or drought right? …Right?

I had heard of a dating hiatus before and despite reading all the good reasons to go on one, I thought I could never mange. I had become so used to a swipe on tinder most evenings, various flirty sessions over whatsapp and knowing I had a virtual little black book was somewhat comforting. Although Tinder has only been available since 2012 and was once described as the “shallowest dating app ever” it has revolutionised how we find a potential mate. Surly this was the to embrace single life?

Well, this year, due to several personal circumstances that I won’t go into, I have found myself on an unintentional dating hiatus and there is something great about it. It’s essentially putting your romantic activities on pause so that you can take time to not only break a pattern but to also get to know you, so that when you do re-open your romantic doors, that you are coming from a healthier place. The hiatus is to take time out for you and hopefully you’ll use it well and give you the opportunity to be and do the things that tend to take a backburner due to the latest relationship.

The first thing I noticed was when I was catching up with my girlfriends recently, “So, what’s your guy chat?” My response, “Nothing. Not a thing.” And then my friends and I could move on to another topic, usually more intellectual and even better; about ourselves-work, family, gym, book we’ve been reading and not about some guy from Tinder or the boomerang guy we always end up with while we are bored. This reminds me of the time in Sex and the City, when Miranda goes nuts about her friends only ever talking about guys and despite spending my teens wanting to be Carrie Bradshaw, I find Miranda much more relatable and inspiring. (Although Carrie will win on a superficial level for clothes).

With it being Easter, the understanding of Lent: Giving up what you think you can’t live without… a chance to prove we can withhold our most hard-to-break vices, and spring is soon approaching with the thoughts of spring cleans and new blossoms, this is without a doubt, the perfect time to embrace this hiatus. Not only delete the apps but delete numbers of exes/hook ups/flirty banter. Before now, I joked I was basically on a dating hiatus but would check Tinder every other day or delete the apps but keep the profiles so I could be back on within moments of a download with a strong wifi. Now I understand the meaning and possibilities of a hiatus, I am fully embracing this! I have now set myself a challenge that will hopefully allow me to release myself from the addiction that can be easily found among some online daters. I have read a few articles on the hiatus and it is recommended it lasts 3-6 months. It’s estimated that the average Tinder user will spend up to 90 minutes on the app each day. I am going to try and take back that lost time by channelling my energy into other pursuits.

I am positively hoping this choice is to take time out and not the equivalent of being put on the naughty step, effectively sulking, stropping, and feeling hard done by. I believe mind-set affects actions and I know I need to be less cynical and recognise patterns in bad dating experiences.

Taylor Swift apparently had a dating hiatus after the Harry Styles thing. Look what happened; she got a bob, a trendy apartment in New York, finished her incredible 1989 album and then met Calvin Harris! Just in time to have a piece of eye candy by her side as she collected her many Grammys. Taking time to clear the head and hopefully stop repeating the same behaviours, mistakes and attitudes as to before can never be a bad idea! Maybe changing these behaviours might stop me being cynical and comparing guys. Maybe I can enter the dating world all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Maybe deleting these apps will make me look up while on a train or in a bar and I will learn the art of old school dating and one day, I might be like; this is crazy but here’s my number! No more relying on the hope that he swipes left too!

The guys you meet on Tinder to make you jaded

Due to being even more ‘Jaded’ with dating, I have been on a bit of dating hiatus. No fuckboys, no cryptic text and no dating apps-including Tinder. Can you even imagine? In this day, if a single girl-no matter how long she is single is not on Tinder she must not want it enough. If you’re single and not on Tinder then HOW will you ever meet a guy? Well to be fair, right now, I don’t want to meet a guy.  I think my recent post “No fuckboys please” shows I have dated enough. It’s exhausting. However, when you have a dating blog and people ask when your next post is up you get into the dilemma. I looked at Disney for inspiration but I just related far too much to Ursula and Mother Gothel… And of course, with no dating and behaving myself I was a little bored and as the saying goes, curiosity killed the cat.

So, Friday night. Booze free and exhausted I pull up 5 recent photos from my Facebook and create a new Tinder Profile. Here goes, time to get swiping. The slight excitement I have is gone within approximately 7 minutes. It’s the same fuckboys. Here are the profiles every single girl will come across when swiping:

The Topless Guy – Buff

Niiiiice. I will look to be the creep that I am but in dating I believe keeping the hotness as an extra treat. And also, you clearly love yourself. I Swipe- LEFT.

Topless guy- Dad Bod-Overweight

I’m all about empowerment and you are trying to be funny… I get it and I feel shallow but…I Swipe-LEFT.

Ripped to hell or muffin top-NO TOPLESS PROFILE PICS

The Tough Mudder

Keeps fit and has a sense of adventure perhaps. I think we will get on. Guys love a girl who wants to plank challenge… right? I Swipe-RIGHT.

The ‘in bed’ Selfie

This is a saved snapchat from the start of a sexting sesh. I don’t like those who recycle. It is lazy…I Swipe- LEFT.

The Doped up Tiger

Clearly not an animal lover and in to animal rights like me. I’m sure you went to Thailand to find yourself *rolls eyes* I Swipe- LEFT.

The Emoji over the ex-girlfriends face

Cut out or pick another picture FFS. I Swipe- LEFT.

The large group of guys

This guy has no pictures by himself and I have no time or patience to figure out which one you are. Lesson Learned: It is never the hot one. I Swipe-LEFT.

The family/best friend Wedding

A 3 piece suit to a woman is what underwear is to a man. I Swipe- RIGHT.

The one with one or even two super hot girls/entertainment ladies

You like super hot girls. This is your favourite photo ever cause the two burlesque dressed shot girls agreed to have a picture with you… I get that but…I Swipe-LEFT.

The S&M artwork {Including the time s’50 shades of Grey’ cover has been a profile pic}

I Swipe: LEFT.

The abs only

I swipe: LEFT.

The meme

IYes, this meme is funny but you didn’t create it and I want to date an actual man not a meme… I Swipe-LEFT.

The Relaxed Smiling Selfie

There we go, you are normal. I Swipe-RIGHT.

The Model

I don’t want to be catfished. Although… then I could be on the TV show and meet that gorgeous silver fox… Nah not worth the next 10 months of my life and bank transfer I need to qualify for that show. I Swipe-LEFT.

The Action Shot

Wither it be playing football, Hill walking, dancing with the boys at the club or in deep conversation with a friend, this shot gives a little of your personality away and I like that. I Swipe-RIGHT

The Car or Motorbike Picture

Are you a transformer? I Swipe-LEFT.

The Snapchat Guy

I could write a full post of guys and damn snapchat but with regards to Tinder, if a guy has snapchat only in his bio then he just wants some dirty fun from the comfort of his own couch. I Swipe-LEFT.  Please note, this creep isn’t always noticeable. If after you match with any of the guys above and get a message “Hi babe, I don’t use Tinder. Add me one snap BigGuy666” UNMATCH.

I have swiped right a few times so still a little optimistic and I don’t hate everyone yet so that’s a good thing… let’s celebrate with a glass of wine .

I pure fancy you: The Science

“She began now to comprehend that he was exactly the man, who, in disposition and talents, would  most suit her. His understanding and temper, though unlike her own, would have answered all her wishes. It was a union that must have been to the advantage of both; by her ease and liveliness, his mind might have been softened, his manners improved, and from his judgement, information, and knowledge of the world, she must have received benefit of greater importance”– Jane Austen

This is what I read and know of falling in love. But what about initial moment you meet them? Sparks fly. You can feel your eye lashes batting away, you’re running your fingers through your hair and your shoulders are back and breasts out. How did that happen? You stroke his arm while tilting your head and your voice goes almost to the pitch level that only dogs can hear. And you think, “Why did I just do that? Goodness sake, play it cool, I look ridiculous and needy. It’s soooooo obvious.” Do you know what else just happened? Your pupils dilated and your lips pouted. Why? Well ladies, we have literally evolved to behave like that to attract males. The falling in love bit comes later on but that’s not what we are going to talk about today, today is about the initial attraction.

I have just completed a night class at the University called ‘The Science of Attraction’ taught by an evolutionary psychologist.  Dr Macleod actually started her career observing monkeys in Africa.  Yip, then on to humans. Throwing aside all the harlequin romances and Jane Austen novels, we aint nothin’ but mammals. Scientists have wondered why attractiveness is so important, the findings we discussed in the class provide some answers as to why we automatically flick our hair and giggle away.

So, according to the scientists: what is attractive? Well, to start, symmetry is found attractive in both guy and girl faces-just like mammals. For example, in the animal kingdom, male swallows with more symmetrical tales feathers get to mate earlier in the season and therefore get to mate with more chicks and therefore produce more babies.

What’s so attractive about symmetry anyway?

  • Asymetrics reflect dispition to the development plan, before or after birth. Basically-not being symmetrical can be caused by disease. Toxins or stress while in the womb.
  • Symmetry reflects lower parasite load. Please note; ugly people have parasites.
  • A high level of symmetry therefore signals health and good genes= the ability to withstand such disruption. Please note; hot people are healthy.  We really do “have a good side” of the face.

Mind Blowing. This is science.

Apparently men with symmetrical faces and bodies have the following qualities:

  • Higher IQ
  • Run faster
  • Dance better
  • Sing better
  • Smell sexier
  • Sound sexier
  • Healthier skin
  • Faster swimming sperm
  • And finally, their sexual partners have more orgasms.

Please tell me where to find the superhuman symmetrical men!

If you would like to read more about the scientific points of why symmetry is hit then go here: http://faceresearch.org/students/notes/symmetry.pdf

What else is attractive? Averageness. Why?

  • Less chance of deleterious recessive genes
  • Optimal design
  • Development stability

And here’s an interesting fact: statistically both men and women prefer a feminine face. Apparently, women go for men with feminine faces as they appear more loyal. But if a woman isn’t looking for commitment then she will go for a more masculine face: perhaps with a beard. I’m obviously not looking for commitment then. Men like more feminine faces as feminine face= high oestrogen= high fertility=gonna have lots of babies. High oestrogen women are healthier which demonstrates high biological quality.

Even though having babies may not be the fore front of our mind, we have evolved to be attracted to a partner that will give us babies. Our brain tells us to go for the best option for our future generations.

Why we like rough, bearded, tattoo, whiskey drinking men:

  • Masculinity linked with testosterone
  • Testosterone acts as an immunosuppressant so if a guy can withstand high levels he is demonstrating high biological quality (good genes)
  • Links between high testosterone to facial attractiveness to good immune function

Why we like blonde, clean shaven, pretty boys:

  • Masculine faces judged as more cold and dishonest
  • Lots of data linking high testosterone levels to marital discord (divorce)
  • Men who have high levels of testosterone which continue to peak after marriage are more likely to be unfaithful

A man’s testosterone level can actually go down after he gets married! This probably reassures some of them ladies out there, and terrifies guys…and some women (like me. I love testosterone.)

  • t’s a truth universally acknowledged that a horny man likes the hour glass figure. Why do men love it? The low waist to hip ratio and large breasts are linked to high oestrogen levels and high fertility.  Fat stored in the bum and thighs contains omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids which are crucial for the brain development of the foetuses… So a big booty gives you a smart baba! However, tummy fat is no good. The fat round the tummy is saturated fat which is linked with diabetes, obesity and increased risk of heart disease. So ladies, love those natural curves!
Image
  • It’s a truth universally acknowledge that women like a tall man. (As in tall enough for her to wear her heels  but he is still taller) Why do we like tall men?  We evolved to like them as it is likely that tall guys would have had a one up in competition against a shorter opponent and therefore going to be the one to bring home the bacon. A tall, strong, strapping partner will protect the female and her offspring. And even in our modern world, tall guys have an advantage as they tend to do better in their careers, have a higher status and more money.

(Personally, I am a big fan of tall men. )

It’s fair to say that attractiveness is important to both sexes. In life, we don’t really know how attractive we are so we tend to go for the 10/10 and work our way down. (A  little sad…) So how do we work out our own value and what level of attractiveness we should go for? Reactions from others? How many likes your Instagram selfie gets? Growing up we learn our value and what we can go for. We’ve all heard the term ‘couples look like each other’. Well yeah, it’s a science thing. But it’s not just on level of attractiveness, it’s also age, education, personality traits and social attitude. Equalization. We have psychological mechanisms for equalization. Those less attractive tend to go for charisma and personality. And how many times have you not fancied someone at first and once you get to know them and fall for the charm do you find them utterly irresistible?! 

That initial attraction, the reason a guy approaches you in a bar or looks back as you leave Topshop through the Topman door is all down to evolution. Charles Darwin, natural selection and the need for superior genes to survive and reproduce.  No Romance here readers…maybe the next time. 

My Stereotypes: Part 2

From previous posts, a most popular of mine has been my ‘Guy Stereotypes’ blog. Both guys and girls have enjoyed this and been able to match people they knew personally to ‘The Glasgow Boy’, ‘The Scientist’ and ‘The Perfectionist’. This post is probably one of my favourites-second to Cat lady. I enjoyed writing this and has probably been the time when I have based my writing on my own experiences.


This article was written over 2 years ago and unfortunately, in that time, I have remained, for the most part single. However, living in a world of dating Apps means that I have never been without dates and the variety of men never fails to amaze. Luckily for my readers, I see the funny side of my dating fails and I have even more types of guys to share with you. And just like before, each of these guys are extremely different-all bad and good in their own unique and exasperating ways. Again, in no particular order:

The ‘House Music Lover’ {Basic Bitch}

The first impression I have on this one is usually ‘Hot’. He works out. A lot. Like every day.
Sometimes twice a day. At first, it’s great to add him on Snapchat. Oh, look he is off to the gym and that vest is showing off his muscular shoulders and just enough toned pecs to get my eyebrows rising. Then you notice the tribal tattoo-probably on his chest and down his ribs or even worse on his neck or the lower back. The ‘House Music Lover’ is always booked to go to Ibiza for at least 14 nights but will probably have 2 separate holidays there over the summer. The ‘House Music lover’ is usually pretty successful, such as an engineer or account manager -something to afford Ibiza and all the club nights and all the fashion required for such nights. Okay so, he loves Ibiza, house music and going to the gym? I like those things too. That isn’t too bad, what else?… Well, there is NOTHING ELSE. Their life is only Ibiza and the body preparation for this trip. The snapchats are repetitive of shoulder revealing vests to the gym, protein shakes, recent Nike purchase and perhaps a video of a “tune” taken off the radio whilst driving. One his worst days, he will kiss his bicep for a gym locker room selfie. Every so often, he will shake things up a bit and have “a cheeky Nandos”. Once he realises you aren’t in to him, he will make a pass at your friends which isn’t good for anyone’s confidence.

The Friend

I won’t go into too much detail about this one. You meet a guy, perhaps through a friend or at work and you hit it off immediately. With “the friend” it always one of two situations: You don’t think you are attracted to him but over time, you have gotten to know him and his personally shines through and it’s the age old cliché… OR you fancy him immediately and then play it cool so much that you friend zone yourself. Most recently, I was the latter. The friend leads you into a false sense of security and after months, even years the chat becomes more frequent and flirty and then he stays over. Of course, in many ways this could be the ideal start to a wonderful relationship. If you do cross the boundaries with a friend, I cannot stress enough how important it is to talk about. If you don’t talk about, you will just assume you know what each other is thinking. Nothing good can come from assuming… And then you are likley to loose him as a friend too.

The Non Drinker

Please note this guy was not drinking for religious beliefs. This guy has chosen not to drink for health reasons and because he “doesn’t want to lose control”. “Perhaps I am a little alcoholic…” I think. “I should cut down to lose these few extra pound” I tell myself as I prepare for a coffee date. It’s a cold January and I am devastated to be leaving the house for anything other than Red Wine. Oh look how handsome he is and there is something intriguing about him so I can give this a shot. He is perfectly aware that I drink (perhaps not aware quite how much…) and he is making an effort so I should too. It starts off fairly normal with the non-drinker but I never feel relaxed and most of my best ice-breaker stories start with “This one time we ordered 20 jagerbombs and then…” but I don’t feel like I can tell these stories. This guy is tense too. He really seems to need a drink. Then out of the blue, a few days after the first date, the non-drinker messages to revel how much he enjoys “being in control” and details extreme S&M situations he would like me to get into with him. I am no prude but I am very uncomfortable with full on messages like these. Call me old fashioned, but I like consent in the bedroom. Without a drink, I can’t even pretend to be okay with this conversation. It really is always the quiet ones. *Deletes number and pours myself a large glass of wine*

The Guy with a Girlfriend

You meet a guy. Perhaps in a bar or on the train or in Urban Outfitters. This is never a tinder guy. He makes the first moves. He asks for your number. He texts, he calls. You’re getting on great. It’s fun and easy and your friends like him and you arre starting to wonder if your kids will have his blue eyes. Feeling happy and positive. No telling how far in it will come, usually just as you feel comfortable and get excited about this guy, you find out he has a girlfriend. He may have had the balls to tell you himself but more likely you find out through the art of Facebook /Instagram stalking. No matter what his reasons {Excuses} are for cheating, no matter how attracted you are to each other, how much of a spark there is, how hopelessly unhappy he is in his current relationship, leave. Leave for sisterhood and leave for yourself. You don’t deserve a guy who treats relationships like that.

The Entrepreneur

Oh my goodness, a man my age that actually has passion and bit of drive about him. FINALLY. I am so bored of these basic man bitches who claim house music as a passion and it is so refreshing to meet a man who has a genuine passion. Something that sparks his interest, his brown eyes sparkle when he talks about it. There is a fire in there that gets him up in the morning and ensures he is going to be the best he can possibly be. His dreams and ambitions make him very desirable and you know he is going to be successful and most importantly, happy. Dates don’t tend to be spontaneous with the entrepreneur as his calendar is full, he’s not yet at the stage where he can pay people to do his website and respond to enquiries. When you are on a date and pop to the ladies, there is a 98% chance he is back on his phone checking emails and responding to enquiries. The Entrepreneur is really something great but too early on in his business then you will not be a priority- gotta catch them at the right time.

The Academic

This one depends on exactly what stage they are of their academic career so I will generalise as much as possible. This guy has an over inflated sense of self-worth and unless you are very interested in his specialist subject then it probably won’t work. This is why academics tend to marry fellow academics in their subject. He will have confrences all over the world, brings marking home and you know at least one student will have a crush on him and you can’t ask for a Kylie Jenner lipkit or vintage Channel Bag (In my dreams!) without him asking you to reason it and reference reviews.

The Nice-got his shit together-No emotional Baggage One

This guy is charming, good looking but not so much in a way that you feel he is out of your league. He makes such an effort for the date, dressed impeccable and has everything booked. He makes you feel relaxed over dinner. He chooses a good wine. He compliments you. He listens and seems to be genuinely listening to what you are saying while smiling and reacting correctly. He like you. You can tell he really likes you. He has everything going for him. He has his shit together and is a nice,  normal, good guy. The kind of guy that would treat you like a princess and is basically putting his world and heart on a platter for you. And then it doesn’t work out.

The London Boy

I love a London accent on a boy. I also find English boys to be a lot more chilled out, flirty and take themselves less seriously than Scottish Boys (Sorry Guys.) Plus, English boys are always [usually] tall. Providing it is not a Birmingham or Yorkshire accent, I love that accent. The London boy has great stories to tell. There is a sense of adventure and optimism about a London Boy. A London boy would make a best friend but as for dating? You are never sure if the date is actually on until the same day as you don’t speak every day. The date is going swimmingly and then suddenly is finished. Everything is rushed and nothing is ever planned too far in advance. I love to be kept on my toes but London way of dating is a whole different ball game to me and I am not sure if I can quite keep up.

I wonder if there is any more types out there or have I literally dated every type of guy there is? …

Wait, The Prince. I am still to date a Prince.

You can find part 1 here: https://jadeddating.wordpress.com/2020/04/09/my-stereotypes/

The Cat Lady

Cats: They don’t talk-the-talk, they walk-the-walk

I’m single and own a cat. I adore her. She is called Dusty and is utterly gorgeous (see below). My Instagram is 75% cat pictures. I happily sat through the ‘100 greatest cat photos’ while sipping coffee from my Marie (The cat from Aristocrats) mug. I admit that I am a crazy cat lady. Is this because I am single? Absolutely not. I have always been and always will be cat daft. Cats are brilliant.

There is a certain stigma attached to women, especially if they are single that love cats. Hearing the term “cat lady” one often pictures a frazzled old spinster that never found love or had children and therefore obsesses about her cats (plural as they are always expected to have around 4 or 5) I can’t help but think of the cat lady from The Simpsons:

Or there is this singe lady who talks about her love for cats on her E-Harmony profile video:

Okay, this is hilarious and no doubt there are women (and men) out there like that but that is certainly not me. In fact, most of the women I know, around my age that love their kitty and share adorable cat memes on Facebook are beautiful, intelligent, and funny and are in happy committed relationships. I think it’s time to change the stigma of “crazy cat lady”. I think myself and these ladies are actually more cat-like: gorgeous, playful, intimate, smart, independent and graceful. I recently found a cat oracle.

“The cat reminds you of independence and to set healthy boundaries. Love with freedom-do not look to own what you desire, for too much attachment can lead to loss. The cat lends you her power to live freely and to remember that the adventure is just the beginning. Don’t forget that the cat has nine lives and always lands on its feet. It manages to get up unscathed from a fall, no matter what happens.  On this leg of your journey, you will emerge safe and sound. Live freely, love without unhealthy attachment and remember that the cat is your companion, you may fully immense yourself in life, for there will be many more lives to come.”

How beautiful and inspiring is this? I like to think of myself as being cat-like in life and especially in dating. Now, I don’t mean to offend anyone here but I would like to bring dog lovers into this for argument sake. Usually, people are either a cat or dog person. You can like them both of course but a person is usually one or the other. I remember a friend of mine once claimed dog people as “needy”. Another friend of mine (A major dog lover) recently said she was like her dog: loud, loves everyone and anyone and always needing attention and then she said I was like my cat. She actually said “You are like Dusty. You just walk in to a room, say nothing and everyone loves you.” I wish this was actually the case at all times. However, I see what she is getting at. Now I am brought to mind of the clip from ‘Meet the parents’ when the dad compares cats and dogs to people:

“Cats make you work for their affection, they don’t sell out the way dogs do.” Yes, yes, yes. Let’s compare cat types and dog types in dating. Dating is tough, there is no right or wrong and we all make the mistakes is fine. However, you know the old saying “Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen”? Well, there is some truth in it. Please don’t for a second you have to be rude or literally say mean things, but to me the “treat ‘em mean” is not to be too available, too keen, too needy…..too dog like? Be more cat, make them work for your affection, do your own thing and show your appreciation when you are with them. Just the simple things in dating, the early stages try to be cat-like. Please see my table below. The Dog-like dater is grateful for any attention from someone and the cat-like dater knows her worth.

The Dog-Like DaterThe Cat-Like Dater
She will cancel a prior plan for a date to suit him

She will get a taxi at 3am across town to see him

She will call him a few times, send a whatsapp, like his status and leave a voicemail because she hasn’t heard from him today

Needs Approval

She will tell him about every moment of her day, including what she ate that day and the funny story from Carole in the office and how awful Julie’s new haircut is.

You piss her off? She cries and tries to explain why and is mad at you

She has repeatedly said her name with his surname and made sure the name goes nicely with the kids names she has had picked out since she was 14.

Tells him her feelings

She chases him

Always wants attention
After 2 dates she has deleted all the numbers in her phone of previous dates

A committed relationship is the obvious goal

What Dignity?


She lets him know when she is available and hopes he is too. If not another time, no rush.

He happily comes to where she is

She is happy to hear from him and responds but keeps the ’15 Minute rule’ * in mind for the first text back/call back

Take me or Leave is her way

She confidently says she had a fantastic day and asks how his was. He’s a little curious.

You piss her off? She walks away and  scratches your car

She can’t remember his last name.

Makes him guess

She is chased

Wants it when she wants it and on her terms

Out exploring and happy to see what happens

Never loose dignity.

*The ’15 minute rule’ is what it says on the packet. Wait 15 minutes before messaging back to his first message. (Don’t want him thinking you were sitting looking at your phone waiting on his text)

In life, work, friendships and especially in dating, ignore 02 and be more cat-like. A cat is able to climb and jump and explore freely but dogs are earthbound. Don’t fall in love with the first person to give you attention, see what is out there. The table may make the cat-like dater come across as quite mean. I do not mean it to at all. The cat is just independent and the claws a retractable-they only come out for defence and play.

Being a “Cat Lady” does not mean you’re unlovable and desperate. It is the exact opposite; you are smart and free and know your worth. I am proud to say I am a cat lady. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, guys can be cat ladies too!

The truth universally acknowledged in Courting and Dating

I once had a poll asking women if they were ‘Sex and the city’ women or ‘Jane Austen’ women and the result for being a lady of Austen times was 0%. Is this because Austen woman seem boring? They sat around their parents’ house playing the piano and sewing till the old age of 23 and then married. Boring? I beg to differ. Austen’s stories combine delicate insinuations of lust, prolonged eye contact and both the ladies and gents ooze sensuality. Jane Austen was a phenomenal observer and her stories are full of relationship moments that us 21st century girls can relate to…and maybe even learn from. Let me break it down.

Pride and Prejudice is the  story of Elizabeth Bennet as she deals with issues of manners, upbringing, morality, education, and marriage in the society in early 19th-century England. Lizzie Bennet, the protagonist of Pride and Prejudice is 25 and single and she has always been my favourite literacy heroine. Perhaps ahead of her time as she is smart, witty, has an aura of independence and a feisty spirit but she has a tendency to judge on first impressions-the “Prejudice” of the title. “Pride” comes from the male protagonist Mr Darcy. Darcy is 28 years old, unmarried and the wealthy owner of the renowned family estate of Pemberley in Derbyshire. He is rumoured to worth around £10,000 a year-todays equivalent of £8,000,000. Ka-Ching! Today, women are not financially dependent on a man and research shows that the more money us ladies earn ourselves, the less bothered we are about Mr Right’s earnings. However, this was not the case in Austen times and a wealthy man was tremendously desirable:

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”

Or so the Austen women hoped.

Lizzie and Darcy’s romantic quest is not the controversial “Love at first sight” scenario that most romance writers opt for. In fact, Darcy’s excessive pride causes him to make a poor first impression of Lizzie and he claims’ “She is tolerable but she is not handsome enough to temp me”. Prick. However, those close to Darcy think very highly of him and throughout the novel he is dark and mysterious. As the stories prevails, we find Darcy is a total gentleman and basically lovely. Lizzie has to bite the bullet and admit her opinion has perhaps been too selective. The course of Elizabeth and Darcy’s relationship is ultimately decided when Darcy overcomes his pride, and Elizabeth overcomes her prejudice, leading them both to surrender to the love they have for each other.

Lesson Learned= Love is not at first sight. First impressions can be wrong. Love takes time.

Jaded Dating: We have all been there. In fact, looking back (and presently) the guys I always end up liking the most are not the ones that made me purr the moment I met them. I have never really fallen for “my type”. The butterflies in the tummy, blushing cheeks and weak knees happen once I get to know someone. For me, the attributes that do this are intelligence, ambition, wit, kindness, modesty and the ability to really make me laugh. Once these are established, I become more attracted to them. This man suddenly becomes a charming force of nature and irresistible. The best relationships I know started like this. She got to know him then they became friends and are now so ridiculously loved up. The happiest couples-you know who you are, I idolise you all.

Back to Austen. There are other courtship lessons from the brilliant ‘Pride and Prejudice’. Ladies, I introduce Mr Wickham. An acquaintance of Darcy’s since childhood. Wickham is extremely charming and alluring. He often remarks on the wrong that Darcy has done in the past. Lizzie fancies him as he is perfect. With the other characters being socially prejudice, they sub come to his charm and there is very much a good cop/bad cop thing with Wickham and Darcy. However, Wickham elopes with Lydia Bennet, although he has absolutely no intention of marrying her. Tosser. We soon discover that Darcy is responsible for negotiating with Wickham and convincing him to marry Lydia. Basically, Wickham lied to make himself look better and his life long friend look bad. Elizabeth is shocked and flattered as “her heart did whisper that he had done it for her”. Did Darcy have Lydia’s best intentions at heart to impress Lizzie? Either way, he did the right, gentlemanly thing.

Lesson learned- Get to know the guy before eloping with him. If he seems too good to be true-he probably is.

Jaded Dating: We have all had an encounter with a Mr Wickham. He pulls you in with his good looks, comfortable job and charms the pants off you with kind words and makes claims about himself thatyou assume to be true. Once you get to know Mr Wickham he is incredibly insecure and a little dull. Although, have hope ladies, there is actually good looking guys with comfortable jobs that mean the kind words they say and do actually have interesting things about them out there-Like Mr Darcy!

I highly recommend that every one of you ladies read this novel. Or at least watch the BBC drama-for Colin Firth in a wet, white shirt if anything. Swoon.

Austen gives us more relatable dating lessons in her novel ‘Emma’. Austen wanted to write a heroine that would be unlikable but this creates a great comedy of errors within the story. Emma is young and beautiful and from a privileged family. Emma prides herself in being a matchmaker and likes to get in about others business. Her friend and only critic is George Knightley. Emma attempts to set her friend Harriet up with Mr Elton. Mr Elton proposes to Emma but she refuses. Emma feels bad for leading a heart broken Harriet on. The handsome and charming Frank Churchill soon moves to the neighbourhood. Emma and Churchill flirt undeniably and she almost forces herself to love him as it is expected of her. Harriet then confesses she has feelings for Knightly and believes he has feelings for her in return. Overcome with jealously, Emma realizes that she has always been very much in love with Knightly. She soon finds out he loves her too. He proposes and she blissfully accepts. And the live happily-ever-after. The End.

Lesson Learned: Sometimes you are looking too hard. You can be too close to the puzzle to see the missing piece. Don’t force yourself to love somebody.

Jaded dating: How many times have you thought a guy was in the “friend zone”. Then he kisses you and it’s AMAZING. Or the guy mate that’s gives you a hug and smells amazing and you close your eyes for a minute and shock yourself by going “mmmm” to yourself. Or the ‘he touched my hand…did he mean to touch me hand’ thoughts? Or he gets a girlfriend that is lovely but your jealousy causes you to really dislike her? Take a lesson from Emma.

Today we have learned:

1)     Love is not at first sight.

2)     If he seems too good to be true, he probably is.

3)     He might be more than a friend.

Now, enjoy reading ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and good luck to all those in search of Mr Darcy!

My Stereotypes

I guess we all know the “types” of guys out there: The Player, The Mummy’s Boy, The Romantic, The Geek, The Macho guy…. These stereotypes tend to come from our favourite American Teen Movies which gave us insight into what the dating world would be like from the age of 16… I would also like to point out that these guys have come from 90s and early 00s movies. As I cannot reiterate enough, surly times have changed?

I am not one for one minute suggesting I have dated every type of guy but my “Little Black Book” (Whatsapp contacts) has a range of extremely different guys-all bad and good in their own unique and exasperating ways. Let me break it down in no particular order.

The Scientist Guy

Wow he is so smart. Sometimes when he talks I stop listening as I cannot believe someone so attractive knows this sort of thing…when I do listen, I learn. We sit under the stars on a summer night with wine as he tells me little facts about the stars and the universe we live in. He’s so passionate about what he does for a living too. Saving lives and aiming for that noble peace prize. In case you hadn’t realised before I am NOT a scientist. I took English and Art and Philosophy. I LOVE astrology and poetry…but opposites attract?! Our children will be good at EVERYTHING. This swooning doesn’t last long. “You don’t want to hear today’s horoscope?” “In my past life I think I must have been a….oh okay, nevermind” “I was googling palm reading and I noticed that ….nevermind” The dreamer and the scientist soon run out.

The Rich Boy

Not “rich” from his own hard work, dedications and intelligence. The rule was we had to be together for at least 6 months before I was taken back to “the estate” to meet the parents. Is this the 1800s? I didn’t last long enough for the privilege.

The Married Guy

Just no.

The Perfectionist

Now, this one is hard. In the early stages he cooks amazing dinners and thoroughly cleans up afterwards (sit back and enjoy the wine ladies). He really plans the date, every little detail from pre ordering the steaks, researching what wine goes best, right down to the taxi journey. This sounds fabulous I know and right now you must be thinking “what the hell is your problem?” Well the perfectionist guy notices everythingEverything about you. It starts as compliments but then it gets personal, bordering on nasty. I had “Why is your hair so blonde?” …because it is. And “Is there any need for your lipstick to be so bright?”…Yes. My nail extensions were chavy and my awesome Topshop costume jewellery is tacky. Oh I see, the guy that only wears grey and wants a plain girl. The final straw was “Your curves are fine but I prefer skinny.” Just take a minute for that to sink in. Ladies, no matter what size you are, if the guy you’re dating doesn’t love your figure then he doesn’t deserve to see it without clothes. The only things a guy should say about your lipstick is how much it turns him on. Be feminine. Be you.  End of story. And for my guy readers, never EVER say anything like this or comparable. This guy is now named “The Control Freak”.

 The Personal Trainer

Works ridiculous hours, mainly around women. Conversation consists of protein, weights and…. I‘m not sure what else as I’ve now switched off. They look GOOD naked but are usually too exhausted, too sore or too self-involved. They usually chat in text form too and get their there’s and yours wrong. Keep them for what they are good for.

The Glasgow Boy (This one varies for each city, but every city/town has one)

He was very much Glasgow Protestant and I am from Irish Catholic. I couldn’t care less and I tried to get some banter out of it (that whole opposites thing again) He cared far too much. I could shrug it off but when he insulted my favourite emerald green lace dress just because it was green then he had to go.

The gay-straight man

Personally, this is my favourite. Always dressed well and understands the importance of H&M’s Versace launch. Usually has tattoos, meaningful ones or pin up inspired. Has a mixture of close friends including girls and gay guys. Will happily go to a restaurant and order a delicate seafood dish and doesn’t even hesitate when ordering a cocktail in a china teapot because it’s what you want to drink. Yes, he knows who Carrie and Mr Big are. Calls you cute or beautiful instead of hot or well fit. But there’s something about these guys that just isn’t right.

The 70s Rocker

He’s just soooo chilled out (weed enhanced) and just too cool, in his vintage leather jacket, skinny jeans and cons. Get the Rolling Stones records on and just chill. Everything will be fine. Unfortunatly this guy type doesn’t usually have much drive or ambition and the ladies that do will get bored. Don’t take his good nature for granted though.

The Mummy’s Boy

Still lives at home and doesn’t wash his own clothes or know how to cook. Enough said.

The Recently Divorced Guy

I’ve heard several different opinions on this one. Some women believe that if they have made that commitment before they are likely to do it again…that they know your legs aren’t always silky smooth and that the underwear doesn’t match every single day. They know how to share the household chores and someone else must have nagged him enough before that he now puts the toilet seat down. Well, sorry ladies but the divorced guy wants to rebel against what he has just lived with and be A MAN. This is his time. It’s all about him. It’s his life to be who he finally wants to be. This guy is emotionally unpredictable and you do not deserve that. I wouldn’t rule it out but I’d only go there once it is all finalized.

 

The Artsy Guy

We love him. But he is always trying to find himself and still to become the man we deserve. Keep in touch with this one, could be one for the future.

These are just some of the types of guys I have dated. And please note that there is of course more to all of them. I’d also like to point that I have never dated a guy older than 32 so I can put a lot of these awful traits to immaturity (fingers crossed).  I think it’s wrong to have a “type”. It’s not fair to judge a guy too quickly; you never know what other depth the Mummy’s boy has or who the artsy guy will become. Just don’t change who you are.

If you have a guy stereotype you would like to share then please let us know, us ladies need to know what’s out there. And please let me know who you end up dating!